To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy fro Show more
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder. Hide
It's funny because it's funny.
It's funny because it's funny.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to the Show more
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.". Hide
He's [Barack Obama] on GQ, I'm like "Leave that to Bradley Cooper." You don't need to go... You're t Show more
He's [Barack Obama] on GQ, I'm like "Leave that to Bradley Cooper." You don't need to go... You're the President, you're above all of us. You're above stars, you're above everything. When he's trying to get into the mix like, "I want to present at the MTV awards.", it's like "Alright guy. Relax. You've got it.". Hide
Why is Obama on Bear Grills trying to survive in the tundra? Isn't the idea to keep the prez alive? Show more
Why is Obama on Bear Grills trying to survive in the tundra? Isn't the idea to keep the prez alive? And why is he on a reality show? WTF? Hide
I never dated much in high school or college.
I never dated much in high school or college.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
My career is just kind of crazy.
My career is just kind of crazy.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
Michelle Obama's on "Ellen" more than I am. It's just a new world, I'm not used to it.
Michelle Obama's on "Ellen" more than I am. It's just a new world, I'm not used to it.
I never have kids in movies or in television shows.
I never have kids in movies or in television shows.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
To be famous and broke is hard.
To be famous and broke is hard.
I criticized Obama because I thought a President should have a little more dignity. I realize Woodro Show more
I criticized Obama because I thought a President should have a little more dignity. I realize Woodrow Wilson went on "Dancing with the Stars" once. But what President is doing reality shows? It just seems weird to me. Hide
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all Show more
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all. Hide
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell Show more
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it. Hide
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear ab Show more
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those. Hide
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
When I started, I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
When I started, I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
Sometimes when I watch a television season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's Show more
Sometimes when I watch a television season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years. Hide
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and s Show more
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends. Hide
It's hard to have a career.
It's hard to have a career.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around a Show more
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun. Hide
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm over thinking it to g Show more
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm over thinking it to get it right. Hide
I just couldn't have gone into a room where Chris was in a box. [on why he chose not to attend actor Show more
I just couldn't have gone into a room where Chris was in a box. [on why he chose not to attend actor/friend Chris Farley's funeral] Hide
Single guys get a bad rap.
Single guys get a bad rap.
I have no detectable hair style.
I have no detectable hair style.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.